People-Pleasing Recovery: Steps to Find Your True Self

Finding your true self… what a deep question. But rather than address it directly, let’s explore what led us here. Being our true self seems like such a natural thing, such a natural state of being. You wouldn’t ask a 6-month-old baby how to find their true self—they just are. So how did we find ourselves in a situation where we feel we’ve lost it and need to find it again?

Well, we grew up! We started to understand the impact of our words and actions, what expectations were, and the consequences of upsetting or disappointing others. Because we were dependent as kids on the people who cared for us, we learned how to behave and tweak ourselves to win their favor, stay in their good graces, and feel safe. Over time, we began evaluating and judging our worth based on external feedback, so we kept on tweaking ourselves thinking it would make us worthy, safe, and lovable.

Some of us rebelled, finding worth in being different and separating ourselves to fit into another group. Others became addicted to control and doing everything “right,” believing that being beyond reproach would protect us from criticism. Yet, criticism came anyway.

Many of us became over-givers, sacrificing ourselves in the hope of deserving love, appreciation, or acknowledgment in return. These coping mechanisms became our way to feel safe and valued, but in the process, we lost touch with our true selves along the way.

So, how do you untangle all of that conditioning, coping, limiting beliefs, and people-pleasing habits? How do you reconnect with your true nature, buried under years of conditioning and societal expectations? The answer is one baby step at a time, with lots of kindness! Because she’s still there—waiting for you to reclaim her, see her, and let her out to play.

Step 1: Awareness

Before we can transform anything in life, we first need to become aware of what we wish to change. If you’re here, reading these words, you already have some level of awareness. Let’s take it further by noticing when we fall into people-pleasing and stray from our true selves.

Maybe it’s when you said “yes” but really wanted to say “no.” Or when you held back your opinions, stayed in instead of socializing  because it felt safer to stay alone then to have to deal with the pressure and drain from being with others; or ignored your own needs to prioritize others—even when they didn’t ask.

Develop a daily reflection practice to review your day. Without judgment, identify moments when you weren’t true to yourself. How often did you deny your truth or fail to acknowledge your needs? This practice doesn’t need to be perfect or time-consuming—it’s about building your awareness muscle.

And please, do this with kindness! You’ve likely been operating this way for years or even decades. Celebrate the fact that you’re dedicating time to grow your awareness—it’s a huge accomplishment.

Step 2: Aligning

After a few days of daily reflection, you might start to feel truly disturbed by what you notice. But awareness alone isn’t enough to create lasting change. You’ve been people-pleasing for a reason—it’s served you in some way, offering comfort, safety, or familiarity.

To shift this, let’s align your motivation so it works with you, not against you. Take out your journal and reflect on these questions:

• What is people-pleasing costing me right now?
• What has it cost me in the past?
• If I don’t make a change, what could it cost me in the future?
• What will I gain by letting go of people-pleasing?
• How will letting go of people-pleasing positively impact my relationships, energy, mood, focus, creativity, and happiness?

Make sure you give yourself enough time to go deep on this. Surface answers might not be powerful enough. The deeper you can go, the more you can really feel it, the more powerful it will be to help you transform this.

Write a sentence or two summarizing your most powerful insights. For example:
I must and will let go of people-pleasing to reclaim my true self because I will gain a sense of respect for myself, and if I don’t it will cost me my ‘aliveness’ and ability to truly connect with others.

Review this statement daily—it will become your anchor.

Step 3: Reconnecting

Now that you’re more aware of your tendencies and have aligned your motivation, it’s time to reconnect with your truth. If you’ve been disconnected for years, this may feel foreign at first—but don’t give up.

Start a dialogue with your inner self. Ask:

• What do I want?
• What do I need?
• What is true for me at this moment?

When reflecting on the day and identifying moments where you people-pleased, ask yourself:

• What was my truth in that situation?
• What can I do differently next time?

If you have been ignoring your inner truth for years, you might not hear anything at first, but keep at it. Even if answers don’t come immediately, stay curious. The more you practice, the more your true self will start to emerge. Celebrate just the fact you are being in the inquiry. 

Step 4: Filling your cup

Reconnecting with your true self means prioritizing actions that signal to yourself that you matter. What fills your cup? What makes your soul sing?

It could be as simple as a warm bath, curling up with a good book, going on a nature walk, or cooking your favorite recipe. The key is to choose activities that feel intentional, nourishing, and joyful—not just coping mechanisms.

Why do we do this? Because chances are, you are so used to putting other people first that you haven't given value or importance to filling your own cup by doing something for yourself.

Create a list of things that bring you joy, from quick 5-minute pick-me-ups to longer, luxurious treats. This will give you a varied menu to pick from. Aim to do at least one thing from your list every day. You’re signaling to yourself (and your nervous system), “I matter. I deserve care and love.” 

You can now add this to your daily reflections: what did I do today to fill my cup? What will I do tomorrow to keep filling my cup?

Step 5: Start meeting your needs from the inside out

People-pleasing often stems from looking outward for validation, love, or approval. But this approach is unreliable—you can’t control how others respond.

So despite our best efforts, we often end up feeling drained, frustrated, anxious, and resentful. Looking from the “outside in” to meet our needs doesn’t work in the long run.

Instead, start meeting your needs from within. When you reflect on moments of people-pleasing, ask yourself:

• What was I seeking from others?
• How can I give that to myself?

For example, if you needed recognition, how can you recognize yourself? If you craved respect, how can you respect yourself? This shift empowers you to reclaim your sense of worth.

This is not about doing it all yourself and not needing anyone, this is about self-love. Because when we are “filled up,” it’s so much easier to be our best selves, and have something to give without depleting purses. When we are empty and looking for anything we can find to fill us up, that’s when people-pleasing gets triggered. Add this practice to your daily reflections.

Step 6: Practice with kindness 

Finding your true self is a lifelong journey, not a one-time event. Progress takes practice and consistency.  I know “practice and consistency" is not sexy, but it works! Remember, transformation isn’t linear—there will be ups and downs. It’s OK. Keep going back to these practices and be kind to yourself <3

Use affirmations, share your goals with a trusted friend, and set reminders to stay on track. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small, because every step forward counts. You deserve this, you deserve to find your true self because your true self is YOU! And “YOU” is beautiful!